Darby Jean #96 | I would have SLAPPED anyone who...

I would have SLAPPED anyone who told me that Liverpool would beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

United shipped five goals at home to Liverpool. Fart.

I would have SLANDERED anyone who told me they’d found the 2-2 draw between Burnley and Southampton a thrilling watch on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have JEERED anyone who told me that Everton’s Tom Davies would score an actual, real life goal on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have FURTHER REBUKED anyone who told me that Everton would go on to lose this game 5-2 at home to Watford on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have DISPARAGED anyone who told me that Spurs WOULDN’T lose away to West Ham (heavy WHFTV banter found here), and that Michail Antonio WOULDN’T score the winner (and drop a STRONG Matrix celly), on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have SUPLEXED anyone who told me that Crystal Palace would hold onto a lead against any club, never mind oil bespunked Newcastle, on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have MOCKINGLY APPLAUDED anyone who told me that Brighton and Hove Albion would find themselves fifth in the table after nine games of the season - and credibly, I should add - on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have QUESTIONED anyone who told me that the Norwich City board isn’t wringing their hands over firing Daniel Farke after losing 7-0 away to le Chezz on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have RIDICULED anyone who told me that Youri Tielemans’ goal versus Brentford on Saturday didn’t become the instant frontrunner for this season’s seasonal taser of the season on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have EMBARGOED anyone who told me that Jamie Carragher wasn’t sporting a clinical edge case of morning wood in the late evening on the Sky Sports postgame on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have MOCKED anyone who told me that Zinedine Zidane was a realistic candidate to replace Ole Gunnar Solskjaer as Manchester United manager on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

I would have LOST A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF MONEY betting against anyone who told me that at least one of my United-supporting pals wouldn’t get Janis Joplin-drunk at the Pats/Jets game on the same weekend that Liverpool beat Manchester United 5-0 at Old Trafford.

What a fun weekend. Couldn't get this song out of my head.