Darby Jean #92 | What if managers were service staff?

The season’s taking shape nicely, but nothing really happened over weekend, which means the Jeaner must turn to fantasy to fill column inches.

Let’s shoulder this week’s burden together. Relax your mind and imagine, if you will, what a handful of Premier League managers might be like were they to run a restaurant or nightclub? What might happen then?

Ralph Hassenhuttl - Southampton

Hassenhuttl abandoned last season’s touch football quarterback attire in favour of a more polished look that reminds of a Back Bay speakeasy proprietor from the 1920s- all waistcoat, tie and shirtsleeves. The big Austrian’s affable demeanor deflect from the reality of an ether-soaked rag and rubber cosh stashed next to the till for when things get a little ‘late night-y’. Ddon’t go looking for trouble in Ralph's place, pal.

Daniel Farke - Norwich City

Farke’s haircut and black attire give him the air of the owner of a modern fusion restaurant in an off-the-beaten-path district of one continental city or another. Let’s call that city ‘Berlin’.

Farke's place is busy most nights, but this has more to do with its low-key interior, minimal house playlist and easily sourced drugs than with its menu, which is frankly a mess.

As time passes, patrons begin to realize that the night has an end and the sun does indeed rise and that it is best not to experience either phenomena when exiting Farke’s establishment.

Business dwindles.

“It’s nobody’s fault. We’re all good people,” he’ll intone to his beleaguered staff.

Thomas Frank - Brentford

A few issues back we explored Thomas Frank’s imaginary appeal as the cool Danish holidaymaker on a far-flung Spanish island. Let’s extend this conceit to paint him as the affable manager of a small beachside nightclub. And let’s pretend that he was forced into a front of house role on his day off when Michaela, his hostess, again turned up too drunk to work her afternoon shift, and upon being sent home returned several hours later with friends Britt and Jack, still hopeful of receiving the staff discount.

The reason this keeps happening? Thomas is a good guy who’s minted with cash from the bar, so nothing really matters to him. Michaela is 23 and lives on a Spanish island, so nothing really matters to her.

“Why do I bother with the English?” Thomas hums to himself as he skips down the stairs to the storeroom for another magnum of Moët.

Graham Potter - Brighton & Hove Albion

Potter’s clean-shaven, common sense look gave off a strong Connecticut/Long Island casual fine dining vibe until this season's curious addition of a beard. On balance, Potter and facial hair work well together, but the beard's growth has continued unchecked, moving him into Medieval Times territory with alarming speed and intensity.

Sean Dyche

There’s a pub near Burnley’s Turf Moor stadium called The Royal Dyche. If you guessed that it’s named after Burnley manager, Sean Dyche, you’d be right. But this isn't because of Burnley’s improbable six-year spell in the Premier League. It’s because the pub, formerly named The Princess Royal, committed to change its name should Dyche get his 2017/2018 Burnley squad to qualify for European competition the following year, which he did.

The club's dreams were realized with a seventh place finish and a Europa League berth in 2018/19, which went poorly, but meant that The Princess Royal changed its name to The Royal Dyche, erecting a sign with an unsettling rendering of Dyche as an old-tyme English lord or baron of some kind.

It’s a fun story that only loosely adheres to the theme of this issue, but points to the wisdom of embracing a downward spiral for what it is: a spiral. That is to say a gradual journey to the bottom rather than the express trip of a straight line.