Darby Jean #103 | The league is over...

… and other personnel-related misgivings

It's all over. The festive period. Did you watch? I did to an extent, but honestly, my mind was elsewhere. There's something about the state of lifethings right now that imposes this insane feeling of detachment over everything. Even soccer feels a bit disjointed. It could be that I'm lazy. It could be that I'm giving in. Who's to say?
Regardless, underneath the picture of Harry Kane's cheating, diving face comes the first DJ Ranklings listing in a very long time. With the exception of Manchester City, the Jeaner has a good amount of time for everyone who appears, but goddammit do they ever need to CHANGE.

Darby Jean Ranklings Table

Owing to the above-mentioned malaise and a stout commitment to doing as little as possible, I didn’t watch enough holiday action to develop anything like a fully formed impression of what’s happening in the Premier League right now. And so, here we go with another ridiculous DJ ranklings table*, which is little more than a hastily assembled list of some of the more resentable personalities to catch the eye in recent weeks.

*stolen from the old Mad Magazine "fold in" section.

Romelu Lukaku - Inter Milan, er, Chelsea

Reason: Posthumous tearjerker goodbye interview with Italian media given way too long after you were sold in the summer and way too close to the January transfer window during which you (may) hope to be sold again.

Support: I have big love for Big Rom. He’s an exceptional player, but he’s dogging Chelsea and poor Thomas Tuchel, who’s starting to remind more and more of a continental DJ who's obsessed with NFTs and crypto to the point where no one knows what he’s saying because all he's talking about is smart contracts, defi, Github and fucking Diplo.

James Maddison - Leicester City

Reasons: General Beckhaming, including sideburns and tattoos; mouth running

Support: DJ reader and Leicester City apologist, JB, recently described Maddison via text as “...the kicker on the football team who stands behind his lineman buddies at the bar and chirps everyone.”

Bang on, I say.

In fairness, #1) everyone's played the mouthpiece game once or twice; and #2) "Madders" has been big-time backing up his chat on the field lately.

None of this, however, stops me baying for his blood any time he's anywhere near the ball.

Wilfried Zaha

Reasons: temper; eyeballs
Support: There are more people than you on the team, dickhead. It’s a tackle. Fucking calm down.

Sadio Mane - Liverpool

Reasons: hair; never scoring

Support: For years now, Sadio Mane’s hair has been the single most disquieting thing about the Premiership. Also, stop diving, start scoring.

I can’t deal with this team for a minute longer.

Manchester City - All of them

Reasons: excellence; grinning; oil (Qatari, not body)

Support: What was once a promising Premier League title race has morphed into a super league that once again features only Manchester City. While these blood-bound OPEC charlatans can’t stop winning, title rivals Chelsea and Liverpool are falling over themselves to drop points when it counts most.

City aren't going to win the league again, are they?