Darby Jean #100 | Is Patrick Viera getting FAT?

Ever feel like you’re wasting your life away?

With all the soccer, I mean.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Soccer’s the best. There are other cool things, too, but forget all that. Imagine your life without soccer. Think of the hole that would be left. Even my daughter - whose total refusal of soccer palls my heart - says she enjoys the ambience the game creates on Saturday mornings. She says it puts her at ease. And she’s eight- she has nothing to be upset about.

But a placated daughter isn’t the only reason to sink so much time into this game each week. What else is there to this obsession?

I’ll tell you.

There’s the feeling of being nervous before games. Big or small, the uncertainty propels a curiosity that’s hard to describe. The sense that a game can swing your club’s place in a league or tournament, and the hope that it might, is a wonderful tonic.

There’s the feeling of being in a bar and pacing your pints out over a game, and then abandoning this system when something good starts to happen (a solid rule of thumb).

There’s pretending that Harry Kane won’t score, that City won’t win, and that Klopp won't complain. Sometimes there’s even listening to what Roy Keane has to say.

That’s the start of it, anyway. Modern football has mastered character and narrative building in ways that other sports never will. And that’s before anyone gets to gambling. And because I’m a vaguely dissatisfied middle aged man, I buy right into all of it. It’s why the Jeaner exists.

Many of you have told me that it’s the characters more than the games that keep you engaged. I tend to agree. Formations, results, and league positions are great, but they come second to the way that this game’s characters make up its complexion. This happens in other sports, but the world-building just isn’t the same.

In the summer it’s player transfers. This time of year it’s managers getting canned. In three weeks it’ll be transfers again. Within these phases are the minutiae: terrible hair (Paul Pogba); great coats (that’s easy); and a fat Patrick Viera (possibly)?

It’s contracts and networks and nepotism. It’s Ian Wright and Eric Cantona and Alan Shearer. It's a mess of interconnected parts that lead us back to the characters. I’ve been watching soccer for so long that I know most of the old ones. I’ve been watching soccer too much lately that I know most of the new ones, and the ones just around the corner.

And yes, I understand that this is what escape feels like.

Cheers to 100 Jeaners. Thanks for the support, pals.

A video of some worthless Bundesliga NFTs.

Worthless Bundesliga NFTs

A few weeks ago, during a virtual call for work, I turned off my camera and bought two TOPPS Bundesliga NFTs at toppsnfts.com. Why? The fact that I write a weekly soccer newsletter is a good first clue.

Somewhere between here and a Russian satellite exist my versions of two Topps Series 1 21-22 Bundesliga Cards: a Rare Erling Haaland Aquarefractor Motion Card (shown first), and a Rare LeRoy Sane Card from the same action set. I paid $45 for Haaland, and $10 for Sane.

But what did I get? Virtual trading cards, that's what. But what are they? They're digital images of young European men followed by short clips of those same young men being great at soccer.

I'm told the cards are rare.

And apparently no one else in the world can own the mints of the cards that I have, though I’m still not clear on who may want to buy them, nor what I'm supposed to do with them until then.

Is this the future? Evidence elsewhere gives me the sense that it is, but I also have the sense that I won’t be getting my money back.

Old gum.

GIVEAWAY

In lieu of sponsorship I’ve secured the generosity of longtime Jeaner affiliate, and maven of the collectibles world, Bolivièn. Your man is offering up 3-6 pieces of UNOPENED 1990 Italy World Cup collectible chewing gum. Each piece comes solid as a cinder block and with a small sticker of an Italia '90 player. It’s the real deal. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get Tab Ramos. First Jeanerist to send me an email with the subject line that is the anagram of GUM, has both self-identified and secured the rights to this esteemed prize. Cheers.

DJ 100 Playlist

My final gift to you in this arduous issue is this playlist, which will only work if you have Spotify. So far so good. These songs are best for leaving the bar or a friend’s place after your team’s won something. Often in these circumstances you don’t have a ride, and, city large or city small, this means that getting home will take longer than you think. Turn off Smartless and try some music instead, b'guy! These upbeat tunes will have you fake-strumming your leg at the intersection in a way that maybe makes it look like just you’re scratching at something. You know what I mean.

Get out there. Throw some shapes. Watch out for the icy patch.

Love you.