Nathan Ferguson’s goal for Southend United: the taser beam to end all taser beams.

Taser beam! Courtesy Nathan Ferguson

A few weeks back, Southend United’s Nathan Ferguson delivered the taser beam to end all taser beams. This one was audacious and brutal- everything that a taser beam scored by a man named Nathan should be.

And whether it’s ‘top bins’, ‘the Playboy Mansion, or ‘upper 90’, how you choose to describe the final destination of this absolute firebeast of a goal will never do it the justice it deserves.

In my view it’s one of the greatest taser beams in recent memory. To celebrate, I’ve cobbled together a shortlist of words that rhyme with ‘taser’.

Laser
Too easy, but it's important to make a start, and I don’t have much time. And really, if you think this through, it’s probably where the ‘taser’ part of ‘taser beam’ comes from anyways. Sometimes you just get what you get.

Glazer
Manchester United and recent Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ thief (probably) owners. Sell up ad get out. We don’t want your European Super League. Or your sophisticated eyewear.

Quaser

Quaser is an English boot company from the 80s and 90s made famous by Gary Lineker's brief dalliance as their spokesperson. At this point in his career I’m surprised Lineker wasn’t able to wangle a better boot deal. Quasers were never the sharpest things in the world. Every model looked like a pair of mallwalkers, and wearing them was like strapping bags of wet sand to your feet. Filled to the brim with hate.

Tsar

This one’s a stretch. A Tsar is a pre-1917 Russian emperor, and if you’re ok with messing with the pronunciation, and cool enough to score a goal like Nathan Ferguson at some point in your life, then when you do so you’ve just become the Tsar of Russia, if you get my drift. Pronouncing back to back disparate consonants has never been so rewarding.

Razor

Ramon.
Easy peasy.